Throughout my life I’ve encountered a lot of people I can’t stand—people I despise, or sometimes both—but the ones who really take the top spot on my list are the talkers. Not just any talkers, but the worst kind—those who talk during movies. Now, I’m not exaggerating when I say that movies are my life. I try to watch at least one every day, and for me, the cinema is like a home away from home. So imagine my frustration when I walk into a theatre, pumped to see a film I’ve been eagerly waiting for, only to be bombarded by people blabbering through it. It ruins the entire experience. I can handle a lot, but this? This is a crime against cinema and humanity.

Movies are my escape. They transport me into another world where I can forget about everything else. But when people are talking, that magic evaporates faster than my will to live. I’ve been running into this more and more lately, and it’s made me think we need actual rules for this, just like we have for piracy. I’ve come up with a very reasonable solution: sealed bags for phones. The phones can only be opened after the film unless there’s an emergency. Why phones, you ask? Well, because people can’t focus on anything with their phones in their hands. Take it away, and they might actually focus on the movie for once.

Then there are the extroverts—the ones who can’t stop talking, no matter the situation. For them, the sealed bag is not enough. There should be a cinema employee present at all times, ready to ask anyone talking to leave or shut up. If these measures don’t work, well, how about giving the rest of the audience legal immunity? You can punch, yell, or just look at them with disgust. Whatever you choose, it’s fair game.

It’s not just me, either. Even Martin Scorsese has had enough of the theater experience. The legendary director stopped going to cinemas because of the lack of etiquette—people talking and constantly using their phones.

I just can’t wrap my head around how these people can spend money to see a film and still talk throughout it, especially with the economy the way it is. Maybe they’ve got too much cash to burn? Well, I doubt that’s the case, because I’ve noticed that the cheaper the ticket, the more talkers there are. The more expensive the ticket, the fewer of these people show up. Maybe it’s a class thing, but honestly, I don’t care—these people are the worst, and I can’t help but think that if something bad were to happen to them, I wouldn’t even bat an eye. I’d just sit back, finish my popcorn, and enjoy.

P.S. My Letterboxd handle is @BhumikGrover.