Birthdays have always felt strange to me. Mine is coming up on August 12th, but I haven’t celebrated in years. It feels odd to celebrate my existence when I don’t believe I’ve done anything significant or world-changing. Celebrating my life feels unearned, like I’m being praised for something I haven’t accomplished.

Despite my aversion to celebrations, birthdays do mark important milestones. They prompt reflection on the past and thoughts about the future. In the past, even though I was often disappointed by my lack of achievements, I always had some idea of what I wanted to do next. There was a sense of direction, even if it wasn’t grand or impactful.

This year is different. For the first time, I have no idea what the future holds. It’s both exciting and terrifying. The excitement comes from the potential of endless possibilities. Being young means I can explore paths I never considered before, and the future feels wide open. For the first time in a while, I can see a future for myself, which is a big deal given that I haven’t always felt that way. But the uncertainty is also deeply unsettling. Not having a plan while seeing everyone else moving forward is intimidating. In a world where it often feels like it’s every person for themselves, being stuck in limbo is frightening.

Birthdays also bring a sense of urgency. When you’re young, there’s a cushion of time where mistakes are more easily forgiven. As Dexter Mayhew from the Netflix series One Day said, “You know, if you’re 22 and fucking up, you can say, ‘It’s okay. I’m only 22. I’m only 25. I’m only 28.’ But 32…” The older you get, the more pressing it feels to get your life together. Each passing birthday serves as a reminder that the window for mistakes is closing.

Legally, adulthood begins at 18, but the true pressure doesn’t hit until your mid-twenties and beyond. Every birthday after that carries the weight of unmet expectations and fears for the future. It’s paralyzing to look back at the disappointments and wonder if the future will hold the same fate.

This internal struggle is something I feel many people face but rarely discuss. The societal pressure to succeed and have a clear plan can overshadow the fact that uncertainty is a natural part of life. Embracing the unknown and allowing oneself to explore different paths can lead to unexpected and fulfilling experiences. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to not have everything figured out, and sometimes the journey itself can be more rewarding than the destination.

So, as my birthday approaches, I find myself caught between excitement for the unknown and fear of the uncertainty. It’s a strange place to be, but maybe that’s what makes birthdays worth noting—not for the celebrations, but for the reflections they inspire and the push they give us to keep moving forward, even when we don’t know where we’re going.